Exciting News at The Nest!

Hello!

Today is the festival of Vasant Panchami - a Hindu celebration that marks the coming of spring and is dedicated to Goddess Saraswati, the goddess of wisdom, learning, creativity and the arts and science. During my final week in India last year I visited the Sri Sharadamba Temple in Sringeri to pay homage to the Goddess Saraswati, and she is the deity that I pay daily respects to in the yoga shala through chanting and offerings.  And so it is with great excitement that I share some big news on this auspicious day of celebration....

We're expanding the The Nest! 

As you may have noticed, some of our larger classes already feel a bit cramped, so this expansion will allow 25 students to practice very comfortably and will provide all the space The Nest needs for many years to come!  We'll be doing the renovations in early April, which will consist of removing the wall and the bathroom that separate the yoga room from the entrance room and then replicating the design of the yoga room in the current entrance room.  At that time, students will be able to enter through the main commercial entrance of the building (as opposed to the residential entrance), which will provide better visibility for Swans Nest Yoga and easier access for students.  Suzy will continue to operate Olly Oxen Free out of the building and we'll be working together over the next few months as the needs of our respective businesses continue to change. 

It's a big step for The Nest and I couldn't be more excited to embark on this new phase - it's literally a dream coming true!  But like all dreams that forge into reality, this will take a good amount of work, resources, and partnership. 

In the next 2-3 weeks I'll be launching a crowdfunding campaign targeting approximately $15,000 to help fund the expansion of The Nest and will ask all those who are interested in being part of the community to share the crowdfunding campaign with their networks so that we have the greatest chance of achieving our funding needs.  Related to our funding requirements, please note a slightly condensed / modified schedule over the next 2 months as I take some days to work on the expansion and conserve funding ahead of the upcoming capital investment.  We will add new teachers and class offerings to the schedule as we can afford to and will continue to host teachers for various workshops and events.  

I developed the concept of Swans Nest Yoga during my 2 months of study in Mysore, India exactly one year ago.  In writing this note, I reconnected with my original vision for the mission and values of Swans Nest Yoga.  The first mission statement I ever wrote was "Swans Nest Yoga:  A Yoga School for Seekers of the Soul."  And that's exactly what we're going to be.  Through the practice of yoga, exploration of philosophy and spiritual disciplines, creative events and the fun, inquisitive, joyful nature of anyone that wishes to practice at The Nest, we will build a community of individuals that supports each other's uniqueness and promotes the full expression of each human soul.  And we will do so with kindness, vigor, humility, authenticity, humor, open-minds, and free-spirits!

It's been a pleasure getting to know and practice with each of you over the last 6 months and I look forward to embarking on this new phase with anyone that wants to continue to be a part of this community. 

We'll be hosting an open house next Sunday, February 17th to celebrate this exciting milestone and bring the community together. Exact time TBD in the next 1-2 days.  Drinks and light appetizers will be provided, along with music and general revelry.  Please feel free to bring friends and drinks!

Thank you again for all the time, dedication, and energy you have brought to The Nest - it's now time to fly a little bit higher!

So'ham Hamsah,

Swan

Freedom

Despite the fact that this July 4th may go down as the first time in history that as many American flags as hamburgers were burnt to a crisp, I am certain that the world does not need one more semi-educated opinion on the legacy of Freedom in these currently divided states.  Between Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and the geriatric dot-com sites, the amount of bullshit and toxicity swimming in the internet tubes is truly astounding.  Somebody needs to invent a bullshit detector that automatically deletes falsehoods and propaganda from the web - like a super-charged digital Hoover that just sucks up all the bullshit and deposits it in the Pacific Ocean right next to where we put the rest of our garbage.  Maybe that's the solution to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch that nobody's thought of yet - all the toxic energy from the digital stupidity, grandstanding, and virtue signaling will just decompose the thousands of tons of plastic and we'll kill two birds with one stone.  Somebody get me a meeting with Elon Musk and Bill Gates and the nerd that invented the vacuum cleaner and we'll get it done!

But of course we humans like to maintain this pesky notion we call Freedom.  And thus as a cool as an Elon Musk powered vacuum cleaner would be, if we are to cherish freedom we must squash the plans for what would be the most powerful censoring device known to man.  We would also all be a little dumber from not having access to that nugget of insight I found on the world wide web at the top of this piece. Back to the drawing board for my Nobel Peace Prize.    

Freedom. Politicians campaign on it.  Judges help define it.  Humans crave it.  Yogis try to experience it, so that they can embody it.  

I was chatting about yoga a few weeks ago and the conversation switched gears after we discussed yoga as a means to decrease stress, to calm the mind, to unwind and relax.  Yes, this is yoga.  But to end a description of yoga at this point would be like describing the ocean as a large accumulation of water with a salty taste.  No mention of the billions of creatures that call it home, the magnetic connection to the moon that shifts its tides, the lost ships and buried treasures, the rejuvenating affects of its touch, or the magnitude of its effects on our world.  

Yes, yoga is calming.  Most importantly it calms the mind.  But to fully comprehend yoga one must explore its depths, all the way dow to the ocean floor.  Yoga is a journey towards self-knowledge.  It's the process of self-realization through self-inquiry.  Yoga is not constant happiness, relaxation, or joy.  Yoga is work.  It's an exploration and excavation of ourselves with brutal honesty and no armor.  It's letting ourself feel discomfort and vulnerability.  It's acknowledging fear, shame, and guilt as opposed to running from them. 

Yoga is not just introspection and contemplation, though they are pillars of the practice.  Yoga is skill in action - knowing when and why to take action and what action to take.  Whether it be a business decision, the learning of an instrument, personal life choices, or open-heart surgery, the intent of yoga is to enable right action - that which was the right decision given the circumstances. 

Yoga is the process in which we become aware of, confront, and overcome our fears.  It is the boat which enables us to traverse seas we've never sailed to lands we've never been.  It's the desire to attempt to understand who we are, and what life is. 

Yoga is a path to reach our fullest potential as humans.  It encourages us to do our best, repeatedly.  It's not about winning (spoiler alert: Trump doesn't have a consistent yoga practice), it's about being the best individuals each of us can be given our strengths, weaknesses, and unique life circumstances.  It's the ability to focus, whether that be a dot on a wall or a 10-year dream in the making. 

But ultimately the essence of yoga is that which many people celebrate so fiercely today.  Yoga is Freedom: real, experienced, honest freedom.  It's freedom from attachments, worry,  and suffering.  Freedom from the opinions of others and the judgements of ourselves, from our self-limiting beliefs, from fear.  The state of yoga is a freedom not granted by the government, societal structures, our parents, nor our friends.  It is a freedom provided by the life source within each of us - that which enables freedom, consciousness, and love.

Yoga is a path in which we learn from those that have come before us and we do our best from wherever we are on that path.  I understand what I write about yoga, but there is a difference between understanding concepts intellectually and being able to embody truth from experience - this is the goal.  Enlightenment is not the goal.  Moral or spiritual superiority is not the goal.  Detachment from society is not the goal.  Freedom through direct experience is the goal.  It may take a lifetime...or a few.  But that's the point.  We strive, we experience, we grow.  Always towards freedom, for ourselves and for others.    

Wishing lots of freedom and joy to all,

So'Ham Hamsah,

Swan

Now Playing: Commitment

As I wrapped up my practice this morning, sweating the good sweat that revives and rejuvenates, I realized that I walked into that hallowed room exactly one year ago today.  Yoga changed my life four years ago, Ashtanga yoga turbo-charged that change a year ago. 

Ashtanga is no frills, which is to say no bullshit.  You come.  You practice.  You experience. Yes, there's a teacher present, but he or she isn't espousing "wisdom" about their recent breakup or how Mercury retrograde gives them "all the feels" or any of the other issues du jour that permeate the seemingly growing "yoga as self-help" trend.

Make no mistake, yoga is self-help.  It can change your physicality, emotional experiences, and mental health.  It can unveil a sense of yourself that you've never felt before.  It can make you feel like your life before yoga was like driving through the fog, and then all of a sudden you're cruising down country roads with the sun glaring and windows rolled down.  Yoga did all of this for me, and I know it's done it for millions of people over centuries.  

But there's a large chasm between actual self-help and coddling self-love.  The latter is vapid slogans, irrational sensitivity, and irresponsibility masked as the need for constant self-care.  The former requires us to embark on a real process of growth, which always has more landmines that flowerbeds - at least in the beginning.  True self-help requires brutal honesty, vulnerability, courage, and most importantly an authentic desire to grow.  We all hold onto the stories we tell ourselves because they are part of our identities.  Who would we be without our problems, our anxiety, our sadness? Our jobs and titles and group affiliations?  All the self-righteousness we espouse about the injustices and inequalities in the world?  Like we're the only ones that see the problems in the world and others just don't have our heightened sense of morality.  We're not scared of the answers to these questions, we're scared of the process of unearthing the answers because in order to find them we must watch the movie within ourselves.  And that feature is way more Tarantino than Apatow.  

Ashtanga yoga is the theater in which you sit, naked, watching the movie within.  No candy, no comfy seating, no love interest sitting next to you holding your hand.  The ticket vendor to the Ashtanga theater looks you in the eye with the warmth of an igloo and says:

     I honestly don't care who you are, what you look like, what your life experience has been, what trauma you have been through, how many limbs you have, or how drunk you got last night.  Go walk into that theater, clean and ready.  Samasthiti. Ekam inhale, Dve exhale.  Do what you can with what you have, today.  And when you're serious about committing to the movie, surrendering to the projector, I'll bring you a kernel of popcorn every once in awhile.  But until then, go wallow in your ego.  Come back when you're ready to do the hard work of growing towards your Self.

For the past year, I've practiced Ashtanga yoga 5-6 times a week, with probably a couple weeks in which I didn't get that number in, but also two months in India where all I did was live, breathe, and poop yoga.  So without doing the math, I'm pretty confident I averaged 5 practices a week over the past 52 weeks.  I've progressed in the Primary Series poses.  I can touch my nose to my knee in certain poses.  I can create internal prana (energy) like a fire breathing dragon.  I can walk into any yoga room and feel like I belong, because I know I'm just doing what I can do and others are doing the same. 

But the biggest lesson has been one in commitment.  I've learned where I've dodged commitment in the past and where I've embraced it recently.  I've learned that it's natural to fear commitment as something that restricts freedom, but that it's only through the experience of commitment that we understand how it increases freedom.  By committing to what we want, we start to realize what we don't want.  More importantly, we start to let go of what we think we should want.  This is the path towards our Self.  Less trying to keep up with the Joneses, more enjoyment in the work to reach our fullest potential as human beings.   

I don't think Ashtanga is the only form of yoga that teaches commitment, nor do I exclusively practice and teach Ashtanga.  But I'm starting to think Ashtanga is like that teacher you hated for years, and then after you graduate you have no doubt that that teacher was head and shoulders better than any of your other teachers.  

So with a year of commitment under my wings, today I'm committing to three months of sobriety*.  Without jinxing it, I hope to sign a lease for my yoga school in the next couple weeks and I wanna be the best bird I can be as I build that.  Three months, three SUMMER months, will be challenging.  But there's always reasons to have a drink: the point of a commitment is to give you a reason not to.

If all goes well, I look forward to a few glasses of bubbly in September with the official launch of Swans Nest Yoga.  And if it doesn't work out, we'll toast to whatever's next.  Hope to share more news on The Nest soon.  
   
*Carving out a glass of champagne at my big bro's wedding after I drop the mic on the best Best Man speech given by a former Investment Banker turned Yoga Teacher wearing yoga pants made out of swan feathers.  

So'Ham Hamsah,

Swan

The Iceberg of Mass Shootings (with updates for Elephant Journal submission)

Another mass shooting. Another AR-15 semi-automatic weapon. Another troubled young male. Another tragedy. What now?

The aftermath of the Parkland, Florida tragedy is playing out in similar fashion to mass school shootings of the past, though it seems like this time a heightened wave of energy is propelling those most directly affected by it — students — to take sustained political action. Today is March For Our Lives, the most publicized event of a growing movement of school boycotts organized in effort to demand that Congress take meaningful legislative action on gun control.

I, and I assume most of this readership, agree with what many Americans deem to be "common sense" gun control. That is to say, at a broad level it seems fairly common sense that the presence of semi-automatic rifles like the ones used in the recent mass school shootings is a massive public safety issue. The banning of any item always involves a slippery slope and the trade-offs between the benefits of the ban and corresponding restrictions on freedom should always be carefully assessed. But a quick glance of items that are currently banned in the name of public safety illuminates the utter ridiculousness of the allowance of high-powered firearms. One quick example is unpasteurized cheese. This is illegal in the US. Semi-automatic rifles are not.

One challenge of politics is that it is often rooted in the intellect. In school many of us learned how to write an argument both “for” and “against” the same issue. Our critical thinking capabilities enable us to do so. Good arguments are logical, and we can usually find enough data and evidence to craft a logical argument in whichever way we see fit.  This is why politicians can argue until no end, because both sides can be right in their own logical arguments. Politicians are humans, and once humans stake their ground on one side of an argument — or in a broader sense, commit to a set of values and beliefs that create an identity — changing those beliefs is hard because change generates feelings of loss.  Coping with loss, and the associated pain, is a skill, and not one of the intellect.  It is the emotional mind-body which must learn to cope with such sensations.

Yes, I believe semi-automatic rifles should be banned. But gun control is merely the tip of the iceberg of mass shootings. What lies below the surface is much more influential. Along with the AR-15 firearm, the common thread in the mass school shootings over the last few years has been the identity of the perpetrator:  an emotionally disturbed male who had been hurt deeply in some way. The psyche of the perpetrator is the root of the problem, the gun is the branch which inflicts physical pain to others. Problems are ultimately solved by healing their roots, not by cutting off their branches.

Again, I 100% agree semi-automatic and any other type of military weapon available to the citizenry should be banned. I believe this action will most likely save lives, but unfortunately it will not end mass killings. For if an emotionally disturbed person wants to kill, he or she will.  In the absence of guns, there will be bombs. In the absence of bombs, there will be chemical agents. In the absence of chemical agents, there will be some new way to kill with Artificial Intelligence that we can't even comprehend yet. Ultimately it is not with the absence of existing tools that violence ceases, but only in the absence of emotionally pained people — mostly men — where we will find peace.

Meaningful legislative reform is a process that takes hard work and time, no matter how common sense we may think the legislation to be. It’s easy to lambast politicians as many of them truly fit the stereotype of shifty, dishonest, power-seekers. But we typically only see the extremes of any group in the news media when in reality there are lots of good people fighting the good fight — both politicians and everyday citizens alike. And perhaps the growing political movement expressed in today's March For Our Lives event will help to ignite new gun control legislation that enhances public safety while also protecting the freedoms provided by second amendment. I hope this is the case.

But while governments can legislate guns, they can’t heal suffering humans. Just like the arduous process of political change, so too is the healing of emotionally hurting men a difficult process which takes hard work and time. Shedding the shame and guilt that builds up in the psyche of men due to the repression of emotions is difficult. Yes, men have had privileges relative to women over the course of history. But if there’s one aspect of life which is arguably more difficult for men than women it is the ability to experience, process, and express the emotions of existence.

We all have our battles to fight — which is to say we all have our dharma. Dharma is a multi-faceted element of yoga philosophy, and various Eastern philosophies, which refers to both the “universal laws of truth and duty which uphold the cosmic universe” and on an individual level, the  “true nature”, “essence”, “purpose” or “duty” of each item of existence. Walking the path of school boycotts, political lobbying, and policy development is not my dharma. Or at least not right now.  There are enough good people stomping the pavement of this long road already.

While others focus on the portion of the iceberg seen above the water, perhaps it is the dharma of some of us to dive below the surface and work in the deep waters at the portion unseen to the masses. The root of this solution is love, and the tool is yoga. Yoga is a path to understanding dharma and the Atman, or the supreme soul.  The path is unique to each and every one of us, just like our individual dharma, but contains universal realizations for all, just like the Atman is the universal constant within all of us. The yogic path is a journey of ever increasing awareness of our true identities that involves moments of realization, struggle, emotional release, joy, certainty, doubt, pain, and clarity.  It's a powerful path that can heal wounds which are the source of hate, violence, and despair and can illuminate awareness, faith, self-love, and gratitude — the foundational sources of purpose, fulfillment, and joy.

Smart government regulation of firearms will affect a nation of millions and should save lives.  Yoga touches one life at a time.  But perhaps that one life is the next person harboring so much hurt that they will find a way to commit evil with whatever tools this crazy world makes available.  And in that sense, yoga is a life saver too.

So'ham Hamsah ("I Am That, That I Am"),

Swan

The Iceberg of Mass Shootings

Another mass shooting.  Another AR-15 semi-automatic weapon.  Another troubled young male.  Another tragedy.  What now?

The aftermath of this tragedy is playing out in similar fashion to those of the past, though it seems like a heightened wave of energy is propelling those most directly affected by it - students - to take political action this time.  I have seen numerous posts about upcoming student boycotts from schools until congress takes legislative action.  This seems like a powerful idea that might be able to gain some traction in advancing what many of us believe to be “common sense” gun control.

Of course I, and I assume most of this readership, agree with such gun control.  Without having detailed knowledge of firearms and the laws regulating them, at the broadest level I think it’s fairly obvious that the presence of semi-automatic rifles like the ones used in the recent mass school shootings is a massive public safety issue.  The banning of any item always involves a slippery slope and the trade-offs between the benefits of the ban and corresponding restrictions on freedom should always be carefully assessed.  But a quick glance of items that are currently banned in the name of public safety illuminates the utter ridiculousness of the allowance of high-powered firearms.  One quick example is unpasteurized cheese.  This is illegal in the US.  Semi-automatic rifles are not.

One challenge in politics is that it is often rooted in the intellect.  In school many of us learned how to write an argument both “for” and “against” the same issue.  Our critical thinking capabilities enable us to do so.  Good arguments are logical, and we can usually find enough data and evidence to craft a logical argument in whichever way we see fit.  This is why politicians can argue until no end, because both sides can be right in their own logical arguments.  Politicians are humans.  And once humans stake their ground on one side of an argument - or in a broader sense, commit to a set of values and beliefs that create an identity - changing those beliefs is hard because change generates feelings of loss.  Coping with loss, and pain, is a skill.  And not one of the intellect.  It is the emotional mind-body which must learn to cope with such sensations.

Yes, I believe semi-automatic rifles should be banned.  But gun control is merely the tip of the iceberg of mass shootings - what lies below the surface is much more influential.  Along with the AR-15 firearm, the common thread in the mass school shootings over the last few years has been the identity of the perpetrator:  an emotionally disturbed male who has been hurt deeply in some way.  The psyche of the perpetrator is the root of the problem, the gun is the branch which inflicts physical pain to others.  Problems are ultimately solved by healing their roots, not by cutting off their branches.

Again, I 100% agree semi-automatic and any other type of military weapon available to the citizenry should be banned.  This action will undoubtedly save lives, but unfortunately it will not end mass killings.  For if an emotionally disturbed person wants to kill, he or she will.  In the absence of guns, there will be bombs.  In the absence of bombs, there will be chemical agents.  In the absence of chemical agents, there will be some new way to kill with Artificial Intelligence that we don’t even know about yet.  Ultimately it is not with the absence of existing tools that violence ceases, but only in the absence of emotionally pained people - mostly men - where we will find peace.  Yes, guns make it easier to kill people.  But ultimately it is suffering people that kill people.

Meaningful legislative reform is a process that takes hard work and time, no matter how common sense we may think the legislation to be.  It’s easy to lambast politicians as many of them truly fit the stereotype of shifty, dishonest, power-seekers.  But we typically only see extremes of any group in the news media when in reality there are lots of good people fighting the good fight - both politicians and average citizens.  And perhaps these upcoming school boycotts will ignite some legislative action and the majority of Americans that agree on common sense gun control will triumph over the powerful minority that is seemingly unwilling to make any compromises on their interpretations of freedom and the second amendment.  I hope this is the case.

But while governments can legislate guns, they can’t heal suffering humans.  Just like the arduous process of political change, so too is the healing of emotionally hurting men a difficult process which takes hard work and time.  Shedding the shame and guilt that builds up in the psyche of men due to the repression of emotions is difficult.  Yes, men have had privileges relative to women over the course of history.  But if there’s one aspect of life which is arguably more difficult for men than women it is the ability to experience, process, and express the emotions of existence.

We all have our battles to fight - which is to say we all have our dharma.  This is a multi-faceted element of yoga philosophy which refers to both the “universal laws of truth and duty which uphold the cosmic universe” and on an individual level, the  “true nature”, “essence”, “purpose” or “duty” of each item of existence.  Walking the path of school boycotts, political lobbying, and policy development is not my dharma.  Or at least not right now.  Again, there are enough good people stomping the pavement of this long road already.

While others chip away at the tip of the iceberg, perhaps it is the dharma of some of us to dive below the surface and work in the deep waters at the portion of the iceberg unseen to the masses.  The root of this solution is love, and the tool is yoga.. Yoga is a path to understanding dharma and the Atman, or the supreme soul.  The path is unique to each and every one of us, just like our individual dharma, but contains universal realizations for all - just like the Atman is the universal constant within all of us.  The yogic path is a journey of ever increasing awareness of Self that involves moments of realization, emotional release, joy, certainty, doubt, pain, struggle, and clarity.  It can heal wounds which are the source of hate, violence, and despair and helps illuminate awareness, faith, self-love, and gratitude - the foundational sources of purpose, fulfillment, and joy.

Government regulation of firearms will affect a nation of millions and will undoubtedly save lives.  Yoga touches one life at a time.  But perhaps that one life is the next person harboring so much hurt that they will find a way to commit evil with whatever tools this crazy world makes available.  And in that sense, yoga is a life saver too.

So'ham Hamsah,

Swan  

Depression Comes and Goes, Mosquitoes are Forever

Pic of me practicing Sirsasana with my mosquito cream in the foreground.  I am doing well and it's been a good experience, minus the mosquitos.
----------------------

Any type of meaningful growth is difficult.  There will be periods of distress, unquenched doubt, and authentic struggle.  There will be suffering.  Because suffering is not accepting what is real.  And when we try to sweep the challenges of growth under the proverbial rug, we deny the natural forces of creation working inside of us.  We suffer because we don’t want to accept that these urges are real, because we are scared to let go of the known to make space for the unknown.

I wanted to pack it all up and get the hell out of here.  I was sick for three days last week and wasn’t able to keep down any food or drink so I was dehydrated and had no energy.  One day I couldn't get through half of a class.  I sat there in pain.  Hips aching, hamstrings sore as hell, ankles on fire from hellish mosquitoes, and ego a bit bruised from being the only one of eighty students in class who wasn’t still doing asanas.

The downward spiral began as I sat in the atrium of the shala a few mornings after.  Why am I here?  This same shit everyday is boring.  I don’t even like most of the people here - just from looking at them.  I’m not like them.  I don’t want to be a weird yoga teacher anyway.  I can’t even do half of the Primary Series yet, and don’t even know the names of all the asanas.  This is not worth it.  I’m just here because of the brand name. I don’t even like yoga that much.  Why did I come here?  This is pointless.  I came all the way here and now I’m gonna go back home and do nothing with yoga.  I’m going to have to face all the people that supported me on this trip and show them I’m a failure.  I feel nauseous because I’m thinking too much.  I’m just a lemming that is being indoctrinated into some old religious beliefs.  It’s all bullshit.  All these yoga nerds are just lemmings living dull lives.  Why did I come here?  There’s no meaning to be found.  Life is pointless.  I squandered a great education that my parents paid a lot of money for.  I’ve left great jobs. I came to the most famous place in the world for yoga and I don’t even want to be here.   Last week I was dead set on opening a yoga school when I get back to New York, now I could care less if I ever do another asana in my life.  I do not want to be here.  This place sucks - Earth in general, India specifically.  These fucking mosquitoes - it’s like they they’re shooting petroleum into my veins. 

Sleeping became more difficult.  Anxiety increased.  Productive energies decreased.  Depression started to creep in.  This is the cycle.  The dark clouds of negativity and apathy began to overshadow the initial sun-kissed excitement of the trip.  I’m wasting money and time here.  I’m not learning anything.  I don’t want to be here.  I’m a failure in life.  All my friends are ahead of me in life.  I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get back home.  This trip was a bad idea.  I don’t want to go to practice tomorrow.  I don’t care about yoga.  I don’t even like teaching.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I always quit things.  Everyone else here is better than me.

The jacket of depression is restrictive, buttoned and zipped tightly over the psyche.  It blocks light from shining in, but more tragically it prevents any light from shining out.  With time the depression manifests physically.  A release is needed.  I made a short video to show myself the face of depression.  Tears flow without remorse.  There is no rationale.  The seeds of tears are beyond the rational mind.  I know I'm a good person.  I know I'm smart, and capable, and well-liked.  I know I'm learning things here.  The depression doesn't know these things, and sometimes depression wins for a short period of time.  

Yoga is a practice of growth.  There will be suffering.  

————

The Rohingya are a brutally oppressed minority group in Myanmar who have reportedly been the target of ethnic cleansing by the government and its military.  I recently heard informal estimates from a friend that about 2 million Rohingya people are living in refugee camps in Bangladesh.  As is customary in such camps, medical supplies are scarce, the prevalence of rape is high, and the challenges only grow as more refugees arrive.  But the human spirit remains alive.  Markets are developed, goods and services are exchanged, schools and health clinics are built, and children smile and play throughout the camp.  As four walls and a roof make a house, but not a home, so too do external circumstances frame a person, but not a soul.   

Living as an oppressed group under tyranny and the threat of constant violence is suffering.  Living without enough food and clean water in a refugee camp is suffering.  Smiling, laughing and playing soccer with your friends in a refugee camp is not suffering.  Would I change places with a 7-year old Rohingya boy doing just that in a camp in Bangladesh?  No.  Have there been times in my life when I would change psyches with him?  Yes.  Because life is lived within our minds, our own fields of perception.  Happiness, struggle, fulfillment, and suffering are as unique to me as they are to the Rohingya refugee. 

Yes, suffering is relative.  Yes, the suffering of Rohingya refugees is more intense than mine.  But disregarding our own suffering because there is greater suffering in the world is not always noble, it’s often a defense mechanism.  So is judging others for their expression of their suffering.  A core teaching of the Bhagavad Gita is that we have the right to our actions, but never to the fruit of our actions.  This is powerful.  It’s a mindset.  Each and every one of us has the right to self-expression and to live our lives the way we see fit, but we don’t have the right to the agreement, acknowledgement, praise, or anything else of others.   

This is why expression of suffering is not victimhood, but demanding that people cater to your suffering is.  Victimhood is tragic.  It’s helpless, hopeless, and detrimental to all around.  It demands others provide for you, sacrifice for you, and acquiesce to you.  It’s a mindset that is powerful enough to corrode not only individuals but large-scale societies.  But expression of suffering without expectations for the actions of others is the opposite of victimhood, it’s empowerment.  Expression of suffering is self-preservation, a form of self-reliance.  It releases the darkness so that one may move forward with light.  It is the action, with no attachment to the fruits of the action.  

———— 

I’m lucky.  I’ve always had support from family and friends to help me through life.  My biggest obstacle has always been myself, which for many of us, if we’re being very honest with ourselves, is probably the case.  It’s easy to blame our anxieties, frustrations, sadness and suffering on external circumstances, when in reality, if we took some time for honest reflection, we might see where we ourselves are coming up short in our efforts to overcome our suffering and reach our fullest potential.    

I took my first yoga class on this day four years ago, February 14, 2014.  It’s been quite the journey so far, and perhaps my biggest lesson from the practice came just a few days ago.  As I sat within the vortex of depression, the teachings of the yoga embedded in my sub-conscious began to bubble up.  

• Speak the truth - just expressing your emotions and releasing them is therapeutic.  This is the reason for the video.  
• Meditate - this calms the mind. 
• We are more than our minds - It is the nature of the mind to ramble and spiral.  Becoming aware of our thoughts helps us realize we can control them, and not have them control us. 
• Suffering is denying reality - all suffering is legitimate, even in a world where there is suffering at greater degrees than yours.

The depression lasted a few hours or so, whereas in years past I may have found ways to distract myself from the thoughts and emotions only to bury them deeper in the psyche.  Yoga is not a cure for life, it is a toolbox for living.  It provides physical, mental, and spiritual teachings that we can call upon to help navigate our existence.  It’s goal is to promote a more aware and joyful experience of life, one in which practitioners can overcome suffering and reach their highest potential.

We live in a social media culture obsessed with pleasure and happiness, where the second most important virtue is to “live your best life” and the most important virtue is to post images of ourselves doing just that.  We should all strive to live our best lives, no doubt.  But we must not forget that what that truly entails:  effort, struggle and some amount of suffering.  This is a truth that can’t be denied.  Because only when we struggle through suffering and emerge stronger because of it do we begin to understand fulfillment.  

So’ham Hamsah,

Swan

End Note:   Just providing assurance to anyone that reads this that I’m feeling good and all is well.  No need to respond, but of course you are welcome to.  

Are You There Ātman? It's me, Swan (Part I)

It's January 28, 2018.  I'm 35 years old, studying yoga in India for 2 months, and researching Judy Blume on the internets:  We truly never know where the twists and turns of this life will take us.  Ms. Blume's novels were a staple of my elementary schooling, providing the conduit to many a free pizza through the glorious Pizza Hut Book It! program.  What a perfect example of humans responding to incentives. 

"You need to read for 20 minutes today sweetie"
"I don't want to.  I want to play Nintendo"
"But you'll get 2 gold stickers and a personal pan pizza if you read everyday this week"
"Gimme that Judy Blume book about the 6th grade girl searching for religion and chronicling her struggles of buying her first bra and having her first period! Now!"

Apparently that's what Blume's 1970 book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret is about, according to Wikipedia.  And apparently it was a bit too controversial for some conservative Christians who tried to censor the book because they didn't take much to the frank discussions of sexual and religious topics.  With all due respect to the religious folk receiving my droppings, I must admit that, due in part to such attempts of control and censorship, my inner truth towards much of organized religion can be best encapsulated by the Eye-Roll, Snoozing, and Thumbs Down emojis.  Apologies if I have Emojoffended you, but if I did, please know that Judy Blume and I are willing to fight you in the parking lot of a Pizza Hut at anytime.  Losers pay for two personal pan pizzas for the winners, limit one topping. 

So organized religion's never really been my bag, but I must admit this yoga journey over the last few years is really starting to change my perception of God from the Shruggie Shoulders emoji to the...uh...um...the...wait: There's no emoji that wholly and effectively encapsulates my evolving perceptions on the source of creation?  Who's running the ship these days at the fruit company?

Whether through emoji texts, young adult novels, vibrant coffee shops, dreary bars, or  the backs of rickshaws in India, religion has been discussed and debated from time immemorial.  Religion, along with a myriad of other ideologies and social constructs humans subscribe to, contributes to an individual's sense of identity.  Remember, humans don't like uncertainty (i.e. death), so we create things to provide meaning. 

But to the yogis, identities defined by such external constructs are merely misperceptions of ourselves, they are not our Self.  This is a core teaching of Yoga, and why the practice is so powerful to many.  If we are open to this idea, we begin to notice that we can still experience the material world and engage in activities and beliefs that give us joy, pleasure, sadness, and meaning, but our most basic sense of identity is not attached to such things.  Meaning our fears, insecurities and defense mechanisms don't manifest as quickly if a part of our "built identity" is challenged because we know our Self hasn't been threatened, rather merely a set of ideas and and social constructs that we have varying levels of belief in have.
  
The Diet Coke version of this teaching is wisdom most of us have heard before - basically "To thine own self be true", or "believe in yourself."  But what if we don't who know our Self is?  How do we know what to be true To, what to believe In? Herein lies a second powerful lesson of yoga.  It is said that through the practice of yoga the Self is revealed to us by removing false perceptions of who we are from our brains that have been formed by our experiences in the world.  A yogi sage named Patanjali offers this teaching in the first four aphorisms of The Yoga Sutras, his foundational text on the philosophy of yoga dating back to approximately the year 400.  And the power of the practice goes one step further.  Not only does the practice reveal our Self to us, it enables us to experience that with increased joy and equanimity and less suffering.  Not too shabby for a bunch of stretches paired with some breath work, huh?

Ok.  But what actually is this Self?  And how do we know when we're being true to it?  It is only through experiencing the answer to the second question that we know the Self.  And the Self is of course...gasp, God. 

Holy masala dosa, swan.  You're in India for 1 week and you've already been brainwashed into believing in God?  You know intelligent people don't believe in God anymore, right?  We don't need the "the greatest lie ever told", we've got science and technology and rational thought to figure shit out.  And you know how much harm and destruction the belief in God has created in the world, right?  

Yes, the horrors committed in the name of God are real.  But most of them seem to have also been done in the name of religion.  What if we could scrape off the jelly and just enjoy a nice peanut butter sandwich?  Or more powerfully, what if God is not something to believe in, but to experience?  This is why the yogi sages are Jedi masterminds.  According to hundreds of years of first hand accounts, the Self (God) is revealed to us through yoga because it is already within us, not somewhere out in the ether judging us.  In fact, it's in everything.  Thus yogis don't strive to believe, they seek awareness through experience.   

Eye Roll emoji?  I get it.  But take a second to reflect on this question:  When is the last time in your life that you had 30 days in succession with the following characteristics?

• Devoid of alcohol and drugs
• A highly rigorous physical exercise and meditation 6x per week
• Healthy, natural food on a regular basis 
• Freedom from the stresses of keeping up with the Joneses, uncertainty about the future, and regret about the past

Sounds a bit utopian, right?  Especially the last bullet.  But this is the lifestyle that hundreds of thousands of yogis have been pursuing for centuries.  This is not a moral pitch, nor a suggestion to renunciate modern society.  The point is that our perceptions are based on our lifestyles and our experiences.  So perhaps you can envision one's beliefs being different in a mind / body that is full of candy, alcohol and anxiety than one that's running on natural foods, reduced levels of stress hormones, and ample sleep.

So, no.  I did not come to India, find God in 6 days, and rest on the 7th.  From my understanding, there's actually nothing to be found, just deeper levels of Self that are revealed through the process of seeking.  There aren't universal truths to believe, but rather experience.  And the ultimate experience is to know Ātman, or our individual soul which is part of the universal energy found in everything in existence.

So what's the answer to that second question - how do we know when we experience Ātman?  That's part II.  And I'll be back with that in a bit after I get through Judy's scintillating four book Fudge-A-Mania series. 

So'ham Hamsah,

Swan

Gandhi: Boring but True

I read the first few pages of Gandhi’s autobiography.  Not gonna lie, it was pretty boring.  I mean, cool dude and all, but maybe spice up the first 10 pages a bit to generate some interest.  I guess when your story is that you changed the course of history you're not too concerned with making sure there's enough "wow factor" to get the reader hooked though.  Regardless, the message from the back cover was worth picking it off the bookshelf - everything true has been said before, we just need to keep repeating it because we’re a bunch humans that forget sometimes.  

I recently heard a theory that the fundamental driver of human suffering is the fear of death that is buried in our subconscious.  Humans don’t like uncertainty, and certainly the most uncertain aspect of life is what happens after it, so it makes sense that the fear of death is one of the strongest influences on human behavior, even if we are not consciously aware of this fear. This fear manifests itself in a myriad of ways - self-destructive behaviors, harm to others, lying, and feelings of shame and doubt.  So how do we overcome a fear that we’re not even conscious of?  The first step, is of course, to increase our awareness about it.  Enter yoga.

To the non-student, yoga can seem like a number of stretches and breathing exercises and maybe some hippie talk about returning to your child-like bliss.  And they would be correct, to a degree.  But for the ardent practitioner, the vastness of the practice is understood, even if only a few drops of the ocean of the teachings are currently comprehended.  The areas of study within yoga are themselves vast: Philosophy, Spirituality, Lineage, Sanskrit, Anatomy, Postures, Breathing, Chanting, and Meditation.  Break each of these down to the richness of teachings and content within them, and suddenly the notion of a yoga class being 60 minutes of stretching seems almost embarrassingly simplistic.

To be a student of yoga is to be a student of life, and that is why when I set-out to write about a headstand, I can start with the subconscious fear of death.  When I first began practicing yoga, I would hear teachers talk about how the practice helps us become aware of fear and overcome it.  Like the smart, strong, well-polished 30 year old man I was, I quietly rolled my eyes and found solace in knowing that enduring such seemingly vapid wisdom from the flaky young yogini was a small toll to pay for how good the practice made me feel physically and the mental clarity it provided.

And then I started to practice a headstand, or Shirshasana in the Sanskrit language.  My body filled with fear as I felt my weight start to tip of over my shoulders while I strenuously lifted one foot off the ground while the other stayed glued to the mat like a sneaker left on freshly laid tar on a hot summer’s day.  Lesson one, those flaky teachers knew what they were talking about, fear in this practice is real.  Lesson two, life is about experience - we only truly know what we have experienced.

The fear stayed with me for awhile as I continued to practice, lessening a bit with each minor progression in the pose.  But soon enough I was past that fear and onto a new stage of fear as I brought both my feet off the ground and knees into my chest, fighting to find balance and the core strength to straighten my legs.  And then some more time passed and with the aid of the wall I was up in headstand, the fear of toppling over and snapping my neck minimized by the solid dry wall behind me that was somehow strong enough to keep my 200 lbs from falling, but fragile enough that I could share my neighbor’s WiFi.

And then one day I fell.  No wall, no spotter.  And it was then that I really began to understand the power of Shirshasana.  Learning how to fall is learning how to live.  You experience body-shaking fear for a short amount of time, and then you realize you’re fine.  Perhaps a bit bruised and worn externally, but fortified to a new strength internally.  So you try more and fall more, each time trying with more confidence and falling with less fear, or perhaps trying with less fear and falling with more confidence.  And soon enough the fear of falling has somehow transformed into the joy of experiencing.  Exit yoga. 

If the fear of death resides in our subconscious, then by definition we are not conscious of it.  So either we must reach a new state of consciousness to confront this fear, or perhaps we find proxies for it - like the fear of snapping our necks in attempt to rise into Shirshasana.  Then each time we conquer a proxy fear, perhaps we get a step closer to transforming the fear of dying into the joy of living.  

As I fell today in Shirshasana in the famed Sri K. Paatabhi Jois Shala, I gently rolled forward like I had done numerous times before and felt minimal fear and no shame - only gratitude that I fell so quickly in this experience that now my mind will have the ability to focus on the opportunity of growth in front of me and not the fear of falling.  And that lesson is of course nothing new.  FDR said it in '32, JFK said it in '61, and your boy STM said it in '18: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 

If Gandhi didn't have anything new to offer, then I sure as hell don't.  But that doesn't mean we don't need constant reminders of all the truths we already know. 

Healthy Living,

Swan  



 

Why?

Namaste kinfolk,

I was trying to get this out before I left, but as they seem to do, things in life happen (or don't) when they're supposed. 

First, thank you to all that have contributed financially to this trip - without your support I wouldn't be here.  So far I have raised $6,200 from your generosity, and with finding a sub-let for my apartment, that brings me to exactly $10,000 raised to help me cover expenses over these 2 months.  (Yes, you are correct.  The rent in NYC is still too damn high).  So, thank you!  I know some people still want to contribute, and you are of course more than welcome to do so.  If you would like to make a gift and/or purchase class packages, you can do so at anytime here.  

Second, many people have asked me why I am doing this trip and what I hope to get from it.  I wrote about it below.  50% of the time I think what I wrote is true, 50% of the time I realize that it's all in my head and all I have to do is be present and live in this moment.  100% of the time I know am so fortunate to have this experience and one day in it feels tremendous.  I had my first practice this morning, more on that later...

Why?

The silent voices of “no, I am not that”,  "no, I don't want that", and "I don't care" have had their intended affect throughout my life.  Perhaps they have for you as well.  They are unconscious protectors of Self -  shame masquerading as humility, guilt displayed as temperance, vulnerability shielded by apathy. And so I lived for others, executing on their visions, missions, and ideas.  I was capable enough to find success in many endeavors that I pursued, but I was also fragile enough to quit many paths when I encountered small doses of hardship.  And because we only learn certain life lessons through direct experience, I woke up at 34 years old and realized I lacked, to a certain degree, some of what we humans require for fulfillment:   Resiliency, self-confidence, intentions and belief. 

Perhaps this awakening was normal - as we age we learn from our past, we care less what others think of us, and we focus on building lives we want to lead.  Or perhaps the raison d'etre of yoga - the attainment of self-knowledge- looked me in the eyes, yelled "stop looking at me swan!" (funny if you're younger than 40), and revealed itself as the short, yet complex, answer to why I came to Mysore.  

I want to know things about myself and the desire of wanting to know.  I want to believe in the unprovable, yet knowable - an understanding of truth found within.  I want to believe in things such that the current of shame can't compress them back into apathy.  I want to have strong opinions on 1% of life, fundamental truths of existence, and weak opinions on the remaining 99% - things like the clothes we wear, the current value of copper, the interior color of our Jeep Wranglers, the job titles on our business cards.  I want to know that these things are not unimportant, but that overly strong opinions of them are.  

I want to be true to myself, so others can do the same.  I want to live life without fear - not with certainty, but without fear of uncertainty.  In the face of disease, poverty, violence, racism, war, income inequality and oppression, I want to replace inertia with experience.  Numbness with sensation.  Anxiety with equanimity. 

I want to continue to ward off the Self-protective thoughts that prevent me from expressing myself - "I don’t have anything to say, I’m a privileged white man who doesn’t understand, I don’t really want to create this, someone else knows better than me."  I want to remind myself that I'm 1 of nearly 8 billion humans on this planet - and to be scared to share my thoughts would be to be scared of something as small as 1/8 billionth.

I want to be honest with myself.  To understand if I'm being brave in carving my own path, or have merely quit a previous path again for fear of new responsibilities and new pressures.  I would like to know if the past has meant anything, if previous experiences have stealthily ushered me to this very day or if what has come before is as meaningless as the pictures of lung cancer on a box of cigarettes.  

I want to understand if a universal force has convinced me of a path, or if I have merely convinced myself of a non-existent force.  I want to explore the ancient teachings of the world - philosophies and first hand accounts of human experience thousands of years old.  I want to find truth in the practice of yoga - whether that truth is the fundamental teaching of the existence of the human soul, or whether the truth is a inconvenient gullibility within myself.   I want to ask those silly questions:  Who am I?  What is going on?  How do I want to live?

Saraswati is the Hindu goddess of art, knowledge, music, wisdom, and learning.  She is often depicted with 4 hands holding symbols of these endeavors - a book representing the eternal truth from the Vedas; a mala (rosary) symbolizing the power of meditation and spirituality; a pot of water representing the ability to discriminate between clean and unclean, right and wrong; and a veena, a musical instrument representing the creative arts.  And of course, she rides a swan, a symbol of wisdom and linkage to the spiritual world.  My teacher for the next 2 months is Saraswati Jois.  I want to know if there's some weird destiny stuff with this Swan and his teacher Saraswati, or if we humans are just really good at making ourselves believe what we want to.  I guess some truths are really just beliefs anyway.

I want to love my family and friends more - showing up with more joy and emotion, less depression, and more connection.  I want to believe in love, one that is undeniable.  To challenge the notion that love and union are merely practical matters of existence rather than gems unearthed by belief and vulnerability.  I want to know if the soundless message “I’m going to marry her" was whispered by Mrs. Verse, first name Uni.  Or if the residue of too many romantic comedies had simply pierced the mind of a fantastical romantic. 

I want to pursue desire.  Not merely for selfish reasons, but because perhaps true fulfillment is reached upon fulfilling the desires of the Self. 

And as I gazed out the window of seat W 60 on the 16558 Rajrayani Express train from Bangalore to Mysore - with a yoga mala wrapped around my left wrist, So’ham Hamsah and a swan tattooed on my right forearm, and a Brooklyn Circus cap perched atop my dirty blonde hair - I must admit that for a few moments it felt like the things that are meant to be in our lives will occur if we’re delusional enough to listen to the whispers of our souls.  As for the rest of the time? I was mainly just thinking about how big the number 8 billion is and the cheesy romantic comedy set for production in 2020, "Eat Pray Love, but with a Dude."

Healthy Living from Mysore.  Life is now, always.

- Swan

Now O'Clock

Hi,

What time is it?  It's now.  Always has been, always will be.  It's never not been now, nor will it ever not be now.  Think about it.

So what?  What now?  It's easy to read some of these spiritual teachings, understand them intellectually, and then 5 minutes later find ourselves right back in a state of anxiety about the future, longing for the past, or one of the myriad of other tricks our minds use to prevent us from being present - from being totally focussed on the now and connected to our fundamental nature.

We are not our minds.  Phew.  That is one of the central tenets of this book, The Power of Now.  I read it in one sitting yesterday, and I think it changed my life.  Don't get me wrong, there's no quick fix in life.  Any meaningful change in behavior and/or thinking takes dedication, patience, and experience.  I didn't have an epiphany, an out-of-body-experience, or enter into a trance.  I didn't find God nor see a bright shining light.  I didn't transcend into another realm or hear voices.

So what happened?  Honestly, it just made sense.  It was True.  And one of the most magical conditions about being human is that when we encounter truth we can't deny it.  Sure, our minds will find all types of way to deflect truth if it is potentially harmful to our sense of identity and our comfort, but our bodies don't have the luxury of that defense mechanism.  We always know the truth because we can feel it.  So the question becomes how long are we going to let our minds control our lives, how long are we going to block the pain of truth?

That's a second core teaching of this book - that we all have a pain-body that has been created throughout our lives.  All the the times we were shamed; all the embarrassments; all the failures, rejections, sorrows, losses;  all the repressed emotions and all the things left unsaid.  These stay stored in our body if we don't work through them and they cause us to build higher and higher fences to protect ourselves from being hurt again.  The pain body, in partnership with the mind, creates anxiety, depression, and fear.  And then we build our lives around not feeling these forms of suffering - usually through quick fixes from external means.  

The ultimate cure for the pain body is of course simple:  To surrender.  To stop resisting truth and relinquish suffering.  To be fully conscious, which is to understand that we are actually human souls, not merely human minds and bodies.  This, of course, is extremely difficult.  Why?  Because our minds serve our egos, not our souls.  Our minds protect our egos from harm.  Our minds tells us to be scared of new things because the ego doesn't like uncertainty.  Our minds keep us in current habits and patterns because change requires vulnerability.  Our minds strengthen our egos so we can protect an identity of who we are - an identity that is defined by our external achievements, labels, and classifications as opposed to our truest identity of our souls. 

Freedom from the mind is found in a connection to our souls.  This is hard.  It takes time, dedication, belief, desire, pain, and loss.  It requires a new level of consciousness - one rooted in a belief in a universal energy and not in the rationale mind.  Such freedom does not require a relinquishing of the mind - for it is one of the most powerful tools humans have - but rather a recalibration of how we utilize and connect to the mind.  This is difficult.  Probably because it is True.

Yes, I'm an emerging believer in that thing we call Soul.  To believe in the Soul is to believe in the Self, which is to believe in the eternal energy within everything.  To believe in this is to believe that nothing ever dies.  Whoa.  What if nothing ever truly dies?  What if bodies come and go and energies are transformed and transmuted, but never extinguished?  What if we actually believed this?  Not with our minds, but with our souls?  I'm not there yet, but what if I do get there?  What if that's what this life is all about?  What would life be like then?  What would life be like Now?

To believe in these ideas is not to go off the deep end.  It is not to live an isolated life with no connection to the mind and the real world.  To believe in these ideas is to do the work of finding our way back to our natural state of joy, creativity, and love.  If you just rolled your eyes, I feel you.  I've rolled my eyes many of times before at sayings like that one - the mind is a powerful tool. 

A change in consciousness is difficult - it takes time, dedication, belief, desire, pain, and loss.  But suffering is worse, and it doesn't end without a change in consciousness.  

End note:
If you would like to practice yoga with me and/or support my trip to India you can purchase items here: Swans Nest Yoga

Healthy Living,

Swan

It's Biznass Time

Dylan didn't call himself a poet because he didn't like the word.  What is a poet?  What is an artist?  What do those words actually mean?  Well, it turns out, they mean nothing.  One of my favorite teachings of yoga has been the idea of ridding ourselves of labels - because we are all so much more than one thing, or two things, or seventeen things. Labels are restrictive and can also create expectations where there need not be any.  Tell yourself you're an artist, a "creative", a man, a mom - and then see all the expectations and anxieties that build up as you try to live up to plethora of stereotypes and definitions of what those are.  Eliminating labels allows us to just be and act without trying to adhere to pre-conceived images of what we think we should be.  So we still are those things, we just have the freedom to be those things the way we see fit.  

I wrote a poem - or actually I wrote a bunch of words on a piece of digital paper that flowed together and expressed my feelings about a situation and a person. I think it's one of the best things I've ever written.  I didn't google how to write a poem.  I didn't try to write in iambic pentameter (the only thing I really remember about poetry from high school English classes.) I didn't try to mimic Whitman or Poe or Frost.  I just wrote it ('tis below). 

NOW READ IT AND THEN EMAIL ME BACK HOW MUCH YOU LOVE IT BECAUSE I'M A SENSITIVE ARTIST WHO NEEDS EXTERNAL VALIDATION TO FEEL WORTHY.   

JK, I've kinda worked through that, but of course there's some truth in it.  We all want to connect with each other and share experience and feel love - that's ultimately what we're really here for.  Or at least that's what my ever changing belief of the purpose of life is right now.  Maybe that will change again tomorrow, or like Dylan, later today.

OK, this post was supposed to be about BIZNASS and DOLLA BILLS and raising some much needed dough so I can continue this whole yoga, creativity, transformation thing.  So here it is.

Thanks to all those who have reached out with their support so far.  Below is a summary of what the money will be used for.  There are two ways you can support:  1) Buy a class package or 2) Just make a gift. Both options will be available on my website starting on January 1st.  Please email me if you want to buy a class package or gift, and we can process it after January 1st.  This just makes it easier for tax reasons.

And just to clarify for people - you're not investing in my business so you won't have any ownership and you're not making a tax deductible donation.   You're just buying a service from me or gifting me money.  So below is just a summary of intended use of funds and it may change depending on how things work out over the next few months.  

The most efficient and beneficial way to support would be to buy a 5 or 10 Class package, as that will provide me a nice chunk of change and you will also get yourself on a nice little yoga routine as I teach you the classes.  I know those packages are costly, so no pressure at all and I'll be extremely grateful for any support, but just putting it out there in case you're pondering how you would like to support.  If you've been thinking about getting into a yoga routine, buying a class pack will be a great way to do so because you'll have already paid for classes and you'll have an incentive to not waste your money! 

Thank you all and please pass along this email, my website, my contact information to whoever else you think may be interested in supporting my next few months or starting to practice yoga with me.  And please let me know if you have know of anyone that would be interested in subletting my apartment for February and/or March.

Money Talk
1) Yoga Immersion in India ($4,000)

• 2 months of Ashtanga yoga practice with Saraswati Jois, renowned teacher and daughter of the modern day guru of Ashtanga yoga Sri K. Pattabhi Jois who passed away in 2009
• Funds will cover flights, school fees, room & board, and in-country travel to temples / holy sites (and probably a gift for my mom)

2) Continuing Education ($3,000)

• Advanced yoga teacher trainings in specifics aspects of yoga (i.e. pranayama, alignment, philosophy) and/or
• Continuing education workshops in writing / music recording*
• *a longer term vision for Swans Nest Yoga is to use the practice of yoga to enhance creativity and self-expression

 3) Operating Expenses ($3,000)

• Funds will help cover portions of studio rent (I teach out of my apartment), marketing costs, healthcare insurance and other business related expenses

They Come For You

Show us how to dance
a silent plea from within
painted faces masking traces
of insecurity

inclusion for all is the call
anticipation builds with time
Just move tonight,
there is no rhyme

ecstatic motion
childlike zeal
your beauty transmits
sounds and rhythms that heal

Show us how to feel free
eyes brim with adoration
Illuminate our hearts
Allow us to be

stage seven complete
final release from the crown
They come for you, sweet one
to vibrate with sound

From Chameleon to Swan

"Once he made the decision to accept these disparate leadings he was no longer 'a chameleon on a tartan plaid' responding to every situation and impulse that came his way.  He had a center, at last, the self which God had intended."

                                                                     - excerpt from Golf In The Kingdom, by Michael Murphy

December 2, 2017

Hi,

1,104,537,600 seconds ago...
18,408,960 minutes ago...
306,816 hours ago...
12,784 days ago...
35 years ago...

I was born. 

I'll spare you most of the cliches associated with the passage of time that we conjure up on our birthdays.  So all I'll say this time, about time, is that the only time we ever really have is right now.

It's been a powerful year for me - big changes, lots of doubt, a few tears, and certainly some growth.  Without question the biggest change has been an emerging sense of self that I don't think I've ever truly felt.  It's hard to pinpoint when the clouds of depression started to form, but the past is the past, and unlike time, is not here now.  What is here now is a sense of renewal, an excitement of things to come, and a new phase of growth.  I started practicing Mysore Ashtanga yoga on June 1st and have pretty much practiced five times per week since.  Coupled with teaching anywhere from 4-7 classes per week, these past five months have been an immersion into yoga and myself.  It's amazing the clarity we can find when we make the time and effort to take good care of ourselves.

Depression and anxiety suffocate desire.  The negative current in your head tells you those desires "aren't you" and you're not capable of achieving them.  The unwarranted guilt of the state of the world whispers you're not worthy of desires in a world filled with so many ills.  The anxiety coursing through your body prevents you from truly feeling connected to yourself and others.  A pervasive layer of shame, a fear of being seen for who you are, leads to apathy.  Then resentment. Then cynicism.

When I registered Swans Nest Yoga earlier this year, I wrote the following in the "business description" field on Form SS-4: "Teaching yoga (i.e. helping people find their souls.")  It was a moment where half of me felt I was being the biggest phony in the world and pretentious as hell, and the other half felt like this was the truest expression of what my yoga practice was going to be about.  It was also kind of a joke, because it was a lame tax form.  But like every joke, it was rooted in some truth.  And so I left it, and on with the "soul-finding" I went.  

The ultimate goals of yoga are self-knowledge and Samadhi, or a state of one-ness with our truest nature.  Yoga teaches us that the divine is within all of us, we just have to remove the shrapnel from life covering the light.  I would like to believe this - that we are all divine.  That we all have souls yearning to grow, evolve, and shine.  That the work to be done is not more effort, more work, more striving, but rather exactly the opposite - to let go, follow our intuition more than our analysis, surrender to the forces of creation and growth within.  Do I believe all this? Sometimes.  Let's be honest, it's kind of hard to with all the shit in the world.

What I do believe in whole-heartedly is the power of yoga to cultivate self-knowledge, relieve stress and anxiety, increase our awareness of this journey we call life, and produce glimpses of what we humans call the divine - those moments of serenity and the feeling of truth.  As I read the words in the excerpt at the top of the page I had that feeling of truth.  The words "a chameleon on a tartan plaid" and their underlying principle - trying to be everything to everyone all the time - resonating deep within me and triggering thoughts of an adjacent truth.  If the divine were to exist in each of us - guiding us towards our dharma, our duty - wouldn't this be a nice duty to have:  To transform from a flummoxed chameleon on a tartan plaid to an enlightened swan soaring above perfectly still, translucent waters - all along the way inviting and encouraging others to do the same.

And that's what I feel like this next phase of my journey is about - to cultivate a stronger sense of self in an increasingly chaotic world.  To accept my desires, and pursue them.  To continue to change my perception of myself, my beliefs of what I can and can't do, and what I am worthy of.  To rid myself of any ounce of shame limiting my potential.  And to help others do the same. 

From January 18, 2018 - March 11, 2018 I'll have the privilege of practicing yoga at the KPJAY Shala in Mysore, India with Saraswathi Jois, the daughter of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, the modern day Ashtanga guru who passed away in 2009.  Saraswathi is part of lineage of teachers that dates back hundreds of years and a knowledge system that is thousands of years old.  I'm truly excited to see what this experience will bring for me and to continue my education in the ancient tradition of yoga.      

I'm also in the midst of writing a play that I, your boy, the swan, will perform hopefully exactly a year from today.  More on this later, but just writing it here to put it out in the universe - because that shit works. 
 
So if you haven't left yet, I would be truly grateful to have your financial support in this next phase of my journey.  This probably isn't the way they teach you how to raise money at our nation's elite business schools - I wouldn't know because a number of them kindly rejected my offer to pay them $200,000 for my continuing education a few years ago - but I think it's safe to say this bird wasn't meant for those waters.

I'm looking to generate $10,000 of sales to fund the growth of Swans Nest Yoga and my continued development as a student and teacher.  I'll send a follow-up email in the next few days with more details on the use of funds and how to purchase if you're interested, but essentially I'm just looking to sell a number of class packages which you can buy now and then we'll set-up times to do the private sessions.  But it's my birthday now, and I had to send this out now to make the math in the beginning work. Very important. 

If you're on this list it means that our paths have crossed in a meaningful way - or you're like a friend of a friend who told you about some dude that writes emails about life and his feelings sometimes and you wanted to hop on for some reason.  EITHER WAY, I would be extremely grateful for your support - financial or otherwise - and am truly excited for the future as we all move along our journeys together.

Also, please let me know if you know anyone looking to sublet an apartment in Fort Greene, BK for the months of February and/or March.  

Healthy Living, 

Swan